When I was a child, my family would visit my father’s very loud, very raucous family. They were people who used coarse language at high volume and often their words seemed to me unkind. I seldom was anything more than an observer because interactions with them felt very threatening to me.

Now I realize that I was a very sensitive child, and especially sensitive to loud voices. Most of the folks in my father’s family were/are loving, caring people. Yet they often used hurtful words, sometimes likely unintentionally; other times not.

Linguistic Violence Is Commonplace

My family is not unique. The use of coarse and often hurtful language is now sport (I would contend blood sport) in social media. I never believed that childhood ditty: sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt you. To me, words were always extremely powerful weapons.

Unkind words used in self-talk and against others can disturb our peace far longer than the time needed to mend a broken bone. And most bones heal way easier, and with less scarring, than broken relationships.

Psychiatrist Grant Hillary Brenner, MD, agrees with me. Recently in an article he wrote for Psychology Today entitled 6 Hurtful Labels to Stop Using on Ourselves and Others he said the toxic words we use to label ourselves or others, “offer quick fixes for complex problems, and are accompanied by feelings of moral judgment, hatred, and utter rejection.” He went on to say that such labeling diminishes understanding and reflects the presence of underlying either-or thinking. This then leads to fragmenting within ourselves and with each other. Labeling is an act of linguistic violence, he said.

Brenner acknowledges that there are many more than six toxic labels that harm us, but these six are common ones: lazy, bored, hypocrite, spoiled, stupid, and selfish. I suggest you read the whole article (it isn’t long), but I’ll share some of his important points.

Labels Suggest Fundamental & Unfixable Deficiencies

Negative labels for ourselves or others “suggests the person is deficient in some fundamental and unfixable way, an object of scorn and disgust.” Labeling can be a mask for underlying emotions we’d rather not engage. And more often than not, labeling is an oversimplification that can prevent us from achieving what we really want: self-understanding and a true connection with another human being.

Brenner further points out that labels are “about the inability to be kind.” His antidote? Notice when we label ourselves or others and then use that as an opportunity for positive change. Be compassionate and forgiving so that you can become open to the possibility of communicating differently. Communication that doesn’t do violence. Communication that, therefore, is more peaceful.

Reflection Questions

The full list of questions for meditation and reflection are in the Novena for Peace Ritual, Questions, & Prayers.

Today I suggest we reflect on the ways we perpetrate linguistic violence on ourselves and others. Do we use labels as a short cut judgment or as a way to avoid more difficult issues? When we’re feeling frustrated, impatient, or abandoned or lonely, do we use unkind language against ourselves or others? Is linguistic violence an occasional slip or a habit of being? Can we be compassionate and forgiving of ourselves and others when our communication is less than ideal?